Reflections One Year Later

One year ago today I returned to running two months after the birth of our third child.  I didn't take up running until our middle child was about 18 months old, so this was my first run with a postpartum body.  For months I had vacillated between excitement and horror when I thought about returning to running.  I knew it would hurt.  I knew I had lost all of my previous fitness and would have to claw my way back from ground zero.  But I also knew that running could give me balance again, save my sanity, and momentarily free my mind from the routine tasks of mothering three small children.

The night before my run, I laid out my clothes, iPod, and shoes and triple checked my alarm.  At dark o'thirty, I tried to talk myself out of going, but I knew it was now or never.  "Just get it done, lady," I told myself.  I stepped outside into a remarkably cool July morning, breathed in the fresh air, and took my first tentative steps.  And were they ever awkward.  Every inch of my body ached during the 60-second run intervals, and my lungs felt like they might explode after just a few steps.  As I plodded along, forcing myself to continue placing one foot in front of the other, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, unable to recognize the former runner housed in my doughy postpartum body.

But as awkward and clunky as my body felt, my mind was elated to be out of the house and free to explore my own thoughts.  I love my baby and my older children dearly, but I was thrilled to have this tiny break from being a mom.  To enjoy a few moments where I was just me: out of shape, sleep deprived, milk-stained me.  And I loved every second of it.

My post-run FaceBook status perfectly captures my thoughts that day.

A year later and life feels very different.  In running, I've raced a 5k, two 10ks, and a half marathon over the past year, and I'm registered for a fall half marathon, too.  In life, the Little Lady is bursting with personality, trying to learn how to walk, and chatting up a storm.  I feel healthy, strong, balanced, and miles removed from that exhausted woman who forced her unwilling body to move 365 days ago.  But she's along with me on every run, reminding me of how far I've come.  I admire her courage to restart the journey when sleep was hard to find and when her pre-run ritual required not stretching but pumping breastmilk.  She encourages me to continue when the road is difficult and inspires me to keep trying when it would be easier to quit.  I'm grateful for all I've experienced in the past year, and I look forward to many more years to celebrate running, life, family, and friends.

Because I am a Mother Runner...

Because I am a mother runner, I can survive early pregnancy all-day sickness (anyone who says that morning sickness is restricted to pre-noon hours is lying).  As with my other pregnancies, morning sickness kicked in at exactly 6 weeks, and if history repeats itself, it will last until 16 weeks.  So I will survive the next 10 weeks using all the skills I've acquired as a mother runner:

1.  Break the day up into manageable pieces.  On a long run, I break the distance down into non-threatening increments.  A mile sounds easy, so I just run a mile.  And then another.  And then another...But each mile feels manageable because it's only a mile.  Likewise, I break up my long days of nausea into micro pieces that I can handle: fix one snack, read one story, assemble one puzzle...

2.  Remember to breathe.  A deep, cleansing breath can work wonders to clear my head, both during a run and in my daily life as a pregnant mama.

3.  Focus on this moment; do not think about what comes next.  This goes hand-in-hand with #1 above.  I start to feel overwhelmed on a run if I think about the whole distance, but I can handle it if I stay in the moment, stay in the current mile.  Similarly, I focus on one task at a time to make it through these difficult days.  At 11:00am, the thought of surviving until my husband gets home at 5:30 seems impossible, but if I stay in the moment, I can survive 10 minutes at a time.  Before I know it, he's home and I can clock out for a while.

4.  Just pray.  When a run feels tough or unfinishable, I start stringing together some Our Fathers or Hail Marys.  The repetitive prayers help break the I-can't-do-this thought pattern and bring me a sense of peace.

Though I wish I was out on the roads running, I know that my body can't handle it right now.  I'm comforted knowing that I'm still putting my mother runner skills to use - just off the road.  I'll get back to running, but in the meantime I'll keep honing my survival skills.

Just like Gloria Gaynor, I will survive.

Pregnancy and Goal-Setting

I may have an explanation for the totally unexpected bladder issues in my recent 5k: it turns out I'm harboring a stowaway.  Baby 3.0 for our family is due in late May!  I'm excited but also a bit apprehensive due to our recent miscarriage.  I'm trying to set aside the negative thoughts and focus on the positive, though of course, that is easier said than done.

With my previous two pregnancies, I was not a runner at all.  I didn't discover running until my second child was 18 months old, so this whole running-while-pregnant thing is uncharted territory for me.  I have been looking forward to running while pregnant - something about a runner with a baby belly is infinitely badass and admirable.  Thus far, however, I've not been a pregnant runner at all due to pregnancy fatigue.  Coupled with early morning darkness, my brain just laughs at my alarm at 5:00am, then quickly goes back to sleep.

This is exactly how I expect to look as a pregnant runner: dazzling smile, perfect hair, and impeccable form.  A girl can dream, right?

I hope to combat this by sneaking in naptime runs on the treadmill and weekend runs when I can go later in the morning.  My goal while pregnant is just to maintain some level of cardiovascular fitness and a bit of strength in my legs.  I'm not looking to run far or fast.  Ideally, I'll run 2 or 3 days per week but probably only 2-3 miles at a time.

I expect my next finish line to be the delivery room.  If a great 5k opportunity comes up, I may consider it, but I don't plan to run any distance races until next fall.  I would, however, love to set a half marathon goal for next fall.  It would be a great way to motivate myself to get back into shape once the baby arrives, and training will give me some much-needed personal space.