Monday, July 16, 2012

Good news / Bad news

The good news:  I'll be able to run again in about a week.
The bad news:  I have to finish miscarrying this pregnancy in order to get back on the road.

Though I was only 6 weeks along when my body miscarried, I have felt deep and serious grief over the loss of this baby.  I can only imagine how much more heartbreaking a miscarriage is for those further along in their pregnancies.

From the outset, I did not think this would be a viable pregnancy.  My heart knew that I was never meant to hold this baby in my arms, and though I thought I had prepared myself for this outcome, I can't shake the incredible sense of sadness and loss over the tiny life that will never be.  The sweet face I will never see.  The happy laugh I will never hear.  The soft baby skin I will never feel.  The fresh newborn scent I will never smell.  The tiny toes I will never kiss.

You weren't meant for this world, sweet baby, but you will always be in my heart.

But I know that I will (eventually) survive this heartache and come through it a stronger person.  I find myself hugging my children closer these days and enjoying even the most banal of interactions with them.  Life is a gift not a guarantee, and I must remember to treasure the moments I am given.

When I'm ready, I'm looking forward to a refreshing, cathartic run.  I imagine it will be a tear-filled endeavor, as I let my guard down and come face-to-face with my feelings on the miscarriage.  But I can't wait to go out on the road, mourning the loss but also celebrating the life that surrounds me.